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June 29, 2019

chainyan.co
Surprise! Bet you weren't expecting a post from me today. To be honest, I wasn't expecting a post from me either! (I'm supposed to be studying right now!) Anyway. From the title alone, some of you might already have an idea of what this post is about, but if not, keep reading. I understand that this is a sensitive issue, but in this day and age and current political climate, we can't afford to sit idly by and not say anything anymore. So here we are :)

By the way, I'd like to think that my readers all have open minds and open hearts, and will still accept me as I am even after reading this until the end. But if not, then please don't say anything more, and just unfollow.

I thought long and hard about posting this, as I'm not exactly out of the closet per se. Sure, I have the pink/purple/blue hearts (aka, the colors of the bisexual flag) beside my name on a lot of my SNS, but I never really came out came out, you know? That is, not to anyone other than a handful of people. I guess there was this part of me that felt like I didn't need to. Why should I have to explain my sexuality to people, anyway? To strangers on the internet? I thought like this for a long time. But then I realized—the only reason that I was able to come to terms with my sexuality was by reading about other's stories. And their stories felt so familiar to me. That was when I realized that I wasn't the only one feeling what I was feeling. That I wasn't alone. So today, I finally decided to tell my story. It's not a particularly interesting one, but it's mine. Maybe it's yours as well :)

Let's start with the reason why I've always doubted my sexuality. For starters, I'm a cis female who is currently in a heterosexual relationship, and has only ever been in heterosexual relationships her whole life. Yeah. So you can imagine why, for the longest time, I was afraid to even reveal the fact that I was bi. When you're bisexual in a heterosexual relationship, people will automatically assume that 1) it's just a phase and you'll choose the "correct" gender eventually; 2) you're not actually attracted to the same sex, and are just trying to get attention; and 3) you're not actually bisexual, and just joining the "LGBT trend"—as if that were an actual thing. Here's a scenario: one time I was hanging out with some gay friends, then they started talking about this person on this dating app. It was a guy, and I guess they were assuming he was gay? But then his bio said he was bi. I've forgotten most of that day, but my friend's comment really stuck with me until now. "Ay, nakikiuso?" I didn't realize I was bi yet at the time. But it made me sad that bi people were thought of as people whose sexualities shift depending on their mood or whatever. I felt sad that other LGBT+, thought this way about bisexuality. Kung sino pa yung dapat na kakampi mo. I knew it was just a joke, but I really took it to heart.

Fast forward to 2017~onwards. This was the time was when I focused all my energy on becoming a better person. I decided I was tired of hating myself that I did some serious self-reflection. I came to the conclusion that that the only time I can even start to be genuinely happy is when I become a person that I could accept 100%. It was during this time that I sat down and thought back on all the times that I felt attracted to the same sex, but thought of it as "just a phase" because of the deeply ingrained heteronormativity in Philippine society. I thought girl crushes were just that—girl crushes. Surely it was just admiration for other girls who were prettier/smarter/kinder than I was, nothing more. But then came uni. There was a time in college when I couldn't stop thinking about this one girl who was my senior in uni. I even stalked her Livejournal, spending a whole day just looking through her posts. (If you know who you are and you're reading this, hello po and sorry hahaha!) Nothing ever came out of that, but I still think of her sometimes. That was my first crystal clear sign. The second was realizing that even though I've only ever been in heterosexual relationships, I always preferred feminine-looking men. Slender builds, yaoi hands, all that stuff. I thought it was just my preference. Well, maybe. But when I thought about it, I realized that when my (ex-)boyfriend in highschool started working out during our fourth year, I started losing interest. (I was REALLY shallow haha. But we'd already broken up before that ok!) Also, you know how people say that liking the movie Thor: Ragnarok is kind of a bisexual litmus test? No? Well, I like Loki and Hela. Thor, not so much. (Sorry!!) So that was another sign for me. And lastly, I just.....got really tired of men in general LOL. I started liking girls more and more as well, because girls are great.

Now that I'd accepted myself, I decided that I wanted to come out to Aian, my partner for almost 10 years now. I knew it wasn't going to change anything, but I still wanted to do it. I was SO NERVOUS. But when I finally did it, it turned out to be......really anticlimactic LOL. His face looked like kind of a mix of "so what?" and "I already knew" that I couldn't even say anything else. But I was relieved. Relieved because he reacted exactly like I imagine he would. There was no judgement in his eyes whatsoever. I've been with Aian long enough to know that he can't always express what he thinks well, so just the fact that the acceptance was there...it made me happy.

That was the only time I came out to someone else. My closest friends have always known, so there was no need to do the talk. My cousin and brother know. And now you know, too. Will I come out to my family eventually? Honestly, probably not. I've already come to the conclusion long ago that coming out to any of my relatives doesn't really matter, since I only need the ones in my innermost circle to accept me at my 100%. Even if I did come out to them, I doubt it would change anything, as I'm already a grown-ass almost-30-year-old woman living away from home. If they find out, then they find out.

And so, now what? What does this all mean? Personally, for me—nothing much, really. The reality of it is, even though I identify as being part of the LGBT+, I still have access to the same rights as everyone else, just because I'm in a heterosexual relationship. (And it sucks, because I want everyone to have these same rights!) Still, that doesn't change the fact that I will continue to stand in solidarity with my LGBT+ brothers and sisters (and everyone else in between) as we fight for equality and freedom to love and live however we want.

Happy Pride Month, loves! 🌈✨✨✨

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